saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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