I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
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I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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