i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
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An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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