Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
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currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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