It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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