Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
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I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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