So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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