he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
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Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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