Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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