i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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