just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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