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After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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