Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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