Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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