After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm too high and old for this...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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