Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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