I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
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his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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