my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
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You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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