hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize