I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
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I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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