oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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