I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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