I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize