she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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