the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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