I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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