he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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