i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
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Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
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so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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