Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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