so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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