sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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