My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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