in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
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So many bounce houses so little time
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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