i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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