I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
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I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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