I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize