dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
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I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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