my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
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She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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