last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
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i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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