I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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