Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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