I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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