I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
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We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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