i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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