Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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