Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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