My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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