Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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