you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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