Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize